Transmutation complete- a brief tale of depression

Let me begin by saying that my transmutation is complete. I began as a 20something with no clue what I wanted, and after a year-long transformation I emerge from the other side wiser, more sure of myself, and what I wanted in life.

My new philosophy is do what I love, not what I must.

I’m finding it challenging to balance my spiritual desires with my physical desires, but I’ve found a happy medium. Here is the story…

…It all started in May 2009; The Williamstown Literary Festival. As usual, I got carried away and decided that I wanted to become a publisher or editor. I began studying Masters in Writing and Lit. And I applied for job after job after job. Being a stay-at-home-mum wasn’t doing it for me anymore. I felt I was giving up all my goals and ambitions, while my husband, who has none, got away scott-free (I know this isn’t the case, but it seemed it at the time). It was my turn to get out in the world, use my skills and knowledge. So I started applying for full time jobs. I would return to work and Shane had agreed to take over home duties. All great in theory. Except that I just couldn’t find a job. In a space of six months I applied for well over 100 jobs,  with not.one.single.call. Who knew the publishing industry was so damn competitive? This coupled with my lack of a life, and the vision of my dreams slowly trickling down the drain was enough to put me into depression. For six months I spent almost every day crying. I didn’t want to get out of bed. My life felt pointless. Empty. As one woman said, no intelligent, ambitious woman can be satisfied by staying at home changing dirty nappies and doing house work all day. We need more stimulation than that.

All these things I was doing, volunteering, bits and pieces of freelance work were pointless. It was time to declutter. I didn’t know what the hell I wanted with my life anymore. I felt my youth slipping through my fingers. So I started to declutter my life. It began by taking daily walks down to the river, where I would sit and stare, listening to the trickle of water, clearing my mind from thoughts. Just being. It was a nice change, not thinking about what I’m doing, want to do, or have done. Every day for one hour my mum would come over and watch the kids while I went for my walk. I took a diary to jot down thoughts, because once I’d stopped thinking, I started getting clarity on what I was supposed to be doing. The very first thought I got was: You need to declutter.

Right. I’ll do that. I made a list of all the things in my life that I was doing and why I was doing them. Anywhere there was a reason other than “because I enjoy it” I crossed off my list. I then went about cutting these things out of my life. These were odd jobs I was doing here and there for “experience”. It was tough, and I felt bad letting down so many people by saying “I’m sorry, I can’t do it anymore” but I felt so good after. Then I made a list of all the things I WANTED to be doing. Finally, I went through my house, from top to bottom, and got rid of everything I didn’t like and didn’t use anymore. And very slowly, my thoughts began to clear.

The second moment of clarity I received down at the river was: Stop lying to yourself. I have always been a spiritual person, but my adult life has been spent finding glamourous jobs that pay well and mix with interesting people, with lots of travel. You know the type. Good on paper. But as my priorities started changing I realised something. The reason I’d been so miserable was because I was completely disregarding the REAL me, the spiritual me, the non-ego me. By this time I was seeing a counsellor who suggested I do some volunteer work to get out of the house. The usual ideas came up; Red Cross, Friends of the Park etc. But I knew I needed something that I was lacking. And so I began to volunteer at the Centre for Mind, Body, Spirit. Those two hours a week became my lifeguard, my hope of sanity. There was a reason why these two hours were the happiest in my entire week. It was because the real me, the one I’d put in the back seat for so long, was finally being acknowledged.

So, I put everything else on hold. I deferred my Masters for six months while I explored the spiritual side of life. I meditated more, and the more I meditated, the more clarity I gained. I did courses. I enrolled into a Diploma of Metaphysics course to do Crystal Therapy and Reiki. Slowly, the volunteering turned into a job, bearing in mind that I had not been searching for a job or money. Now, I am going to be their Crystal Therapist, because wouldn’t you know it, a couple of weeks after I joined, their Crystal Therapist left. Funny how things pan out!

After 12 months of intense soul searching I finally reached my equilibrium with a very clear idea of what I want to become, and where I’m going to be in my future. On the one hand I will help, heal and teach all things spiritual, metaphysical and esoteric. And on the other, I will write, ONLY about the things I am interested in and passionate about, and I will continue with public relations, ONLY with jobs that I enjoy, not because I think it might get me somewhere.

My problem was that I was doing so many things which I thought would be useful for my future, but I didn’t actually know what my future was. Once I sorted that out, I knew what to be doing NOW. Hence my philosophy, do what you love. Now, without even having tried, all these things I love have begun literally just falling into my lap! I’m freelancing for a street magazine that focusses on art, culture and events. I’m a contributor for a travel magazine. This month I will not only be a published writer, but I will also be a published photographer. And next week I’m meeting with a woman who’s looking for a freelance PR person to do food publicity. FOOD publicity!! I LOVE food!! I’m also a meditation facilitator and about to start crystal therapy at the Centre for Mind, Body, Spirit. And in June I pick up where I left off with my Masters. Oh yeah, AND I’m waiting to hear if I got a scholarship to study MA (Western Esotericism) at the University of Exeter in the UK. Correspondence of course. But that would be oh so awesome.

So that is the story of past 12 months of my life. A bit long winded but hopefully something you can take with you. If you don’t know where you’re going, or what you want, you need to DECLUTTER and get yourself some clarity.

MUCH LOVE